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All reviews - Movies (4) - TV Shows (2)

Fifty Shades of Wack

Posted : 7 months ago on 10 May 2017 07:52 (A review of Fifty Shades of Black)

Caught this on Netflix out of sheer curiosity and as someone who actually liked the first A Haunted House, this was just awful. I haven't even watched Fifty Shades of Grey, but I pretty much know the gist of it and with that said, I don't think the source material was good fodder for a spoof movie. This seems like the kind of material that would work best as a 5 minute skit or something, but here they stretch it out for an entire movie and fuck is it ever a chore to watch. I've seen plenty of bad comedies, but this is one that's unfunny on so many levels. First of all, a lot of this is nothing but sex jokes. And yes, I know that's pretty much a given with it being a Fifty Shades spoof, but there's too many of them and pretty much all of them feel like the kind of jokes I would've told my friends in high school. 

Another way it fails is being a spoof movie in 2016 because this is one that also focuses on pop culture references and there are so many godawful ones here. We get so many topical references like Kim Kardashian's "scandalous" photoshoot, Whiplash, The Weekend, Bill Cosby, Magic Mike, Osama Bin Laden (The most topical of them all.), Black Lives Matter and even a reference to a Vine meme. Scary Movie may have had moments that haven't stood the test of time, but at least the things they were satirizing were relevant at the time. The majority of these references were dated on arrival. They even make references to random movies just because like The Book of Eli, the show Empire and movies with Cuba Gooding Jr. and I call these references because that's what they are. They aren't jokes, they are just references to things that exist. 

Then there's the gross-out which is also quite frequent with stuff like a disgusting looking bellybutton, shit jokes and an unrealistically long prosthetic cock. It even fails at making its gross-out gross as I was just rolling my eyes at them more than anything. Let's also not forget how predictable some of these jokes are. At the very beginning there was this joke where the lead actress was trying to open a door and I kept saying to myself out loud "It's a pull door, it's a pull door, it's a pull door, it's a pull door." 

Then there's this one character that I hated and that was this white girl character that acts like she's black. I loathed every moment she was in and I just wanted something bad to happen to her. It never happened. Nothing cathartic happened to her. No slapstick, no misery or her being put out of her misery for that matter. All that happened was her getting rewarded with countless sex throughout the whole thing. 

And another thing, I don't think I've ever seen a movie that went so out of its way to offend everyone, but does it in the worst way. Not only does it go for the cheapest stereotypes possible, but it also manages to insult the intelligence of everyone that's watching and pretty much makes every character look like idiots. Even though I wish more comedies would take risks these days instead of playing it safe, this is not the way to do it.

There were even a couple things that happened to me while watching this. There were at least a couple moments where I paused the fucker out of disbelief. I just couldn't believe what was just said. I was that shocked by those moments. Then there was another moment which led me to pause the movie. See, the TV was on in the background and when I noticed that a classic episode of The Simpsons was on, I paused this abortion immediately to take a break and watch something that's actually funny. Also in case you're wondering the episode was Homer Goes to College. 


Was there anything good about it at all? Well, there were actually a few jokes every now and then that I thought were a trifle bit clever even though they are outweighed by the hundreds and hundreds of painfully unfunny ones. I guess the cast also did the best they could with the material they were given (Except for that one girl who only succeeded at being annoying.) and if I'm being honest, I did at least appreciate Marlon Wayons comedic energy. He at least seemed like he was having fun. That didn't necessarily make it a lot easier to watch, but at least he wasn't phoning it in. Well, at least acting-wise since he also had a hand in the script. Now, Marlon Wayons can be a really funny guy, but like I said, this is something that would've been more salvageable as a 5-10 minute sketch or a 22 minute episode of something. Spoofing 50 Shades of Grey isn't enough to carry a feature-length picture. I'm honestly surprised they didn't add in a couple other things to spoof to pad it out to feature length, but other than a Whiplash spoof and an overly-long Magic Mike parody, it surprisingly sticks to its main source material. 

I guess this isn't really a positive, but riffing my way through this movie did help me get through it at times. These are just a few of these quips I made.

"Ooh, I wish I could find a man the size of this to satisfy me... This shit better be gluten-free."

It's not. Please die.

"Who wrote this, a third grader?"

*Raises finger* Nah, too easy. 

"If it wasn't for Denzel Washington, Flight would've been a fucking Soul Plane!"

Don't reference movies that are probably funnier than you.

Other than that, this movie didn't really give me much. As far as spoof movies go, this is one of the worst ones I've ever seen. I even feel like I'm being to generous with my rating and feel like it deserves a 1/10, but I still think it had a few too many OK/decent jokes for me to justify that rating. It's still an abomination though and is the epitome of what is wrong with spoofs nowadays.




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...

Posted : 3 years, 10 months ago on 14 February 2014 04:23 (A review of The Counselor)

WARNING: This review will contain some profanity, so don't read if you're easily offended by cursing.

I have A LOT to say about this waste of cinema! I was highly anticipating this piece of shit when I saw the trailer for this movie and saw that RIDLEY FUCKING SCOTT was directing this abomination. It was number 2 on my Most Anticipated Movies of 2013 which is actually appropriate because this film is a bunch of "number 2." While Grown Ups 2 was originally the worst movie of the year, this one tops Grown Ups 2 because while it was a god-awful movie, I had no expectations for it.

The main problem with this movie is the dialogue. I have seen many movies with bad dialogue, but this movie might have the worst dialogue ever in a movie. The movie starts with Penelope Cruz and Michael Fassbender talking about finger-fucking and taking part in a poorly-made sex scene. The dialogue in that scene is so poorly written that I had no hope for this movie. The sex in this movie is about as sexy as Sarah Jessica Parker trying to seduce an iguana.

The talent in this movie was wasted wasted WASTED!!! With the exception of Cameron Diaz the acting wasn't bad, but the actors just didn't look like they were interested in the movie at all.



The way this movie was advertised was misleading as fuck. The trailer made it look like it was going to be a gritty crime movie, but the tone of this movie wasn't that dark and it was just a talky movie. Now I don't mind dialogue-heavy movies. Some of my favorite movies are talky, but when the dialogue is horrible, the movie just feels like a huge chore to watch.

Almost an hour and a half into the movie when we finally get a shoot-out scene, it is too short, not suspenseful and the blood spurting effects are faker than a reality show.

This could've been a great movie, but it is ruined by the fucking awful dialogue, waste of talent and the misleading advertising. They also end this shitty movie with the shittiest ending they can think of. I have never felt so let down by a movie! This might even be the worst movie I've ever seen because it is that fucking bad!!!

Fuck this movie! Fuck the writing! Fuck the advertising! Fuck the waste of talent! Fuck 2013 for being a disappointing year for movies and fuck me for anticipating this piece of shit!!!


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It has finally jumped the shark.

Posted : 4 years, 9 months ago on 23 February 2013 01:03 (A review of Family Guy)

Most people say that Family Guy has gone downhill after season 3, but I disagree. Seasons 1-8 was the golden age of Family guy in my opinion. Season 9 wasn't great, but it had it's moments. I actually liked the season 10 premiere episode called "Lottery Fever" despite it's flaws, but after that it started to go downhill. The first half of "Seahorse Seashell Party" was just a goldmine of unfunny jokes and the second half was just unnecessary drama started by Meg. "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" was where I thought Family Guy went too far. It was supposed to be an episode focused on domestic abuse with some dark comedy into the episode, but the whole thing was in poor taste and almost all the jokes fell flat on their faces. (The Iraq Lobster joke was kind of funny.) After those episodes the season had a hit or miss impact on me. It had a good number of bad and average episodes, but it had a decent amount of good ones to keep my 8/10 rating. Season 11 is actually worse than the last one. So far it only has one good episode. The jokes for each episode keep getting worse and worse. I'm starting to wonder if the new writers of the shows are manatees. (If you didn't get that South Park reference then I recommend seeing that episode, since it's a great satire of Family Guy.) I usually don't change my rating just because a show is going downhill, but I am so appalled with what this show is turning into that I don't have much of a choice. Despite the fact that some people are saying The Simpsons is going downhill, I am still able to get more laughs out of their new episodes than most of the recent episodes of this show. Right now I'm on episode 8 of the latest season and I might just stop where I am because I doubt the show is going to get any better and the show is just not worth keeping up with anymore. Should've ended while it was still good.

March 29, 2014 Update: I decided to change my listal rating back to 8/10 because I still love seasons 1-8 and I just realized that it isn't fair to change my rating just because the show isn't good now. Just because the show sucks now doesn't make the older episodes bad. I also made the choice to resume watching the Family Guy episodes I haven't seen yet a month after posting this review. I did see a few good ones, but most of them sucked. Why do I still watch Family Guy if the show sucks ass now? Because I kind of enjoy finding out how the next episode is going to suck and because the next episode I see could be a good one.


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Really awful!

Posted : 5 years, 11 months ago on 29 December 2011 05:45 (A review of Bio-Dome)

This film is awful. When the opening credits started I did not know what was going on. When Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin said their first lines I was annoyed. I'm pretty sure 80% of the film is them acting like idiots. Talking and acting like a dumb person is not funny! I was wondering which guy was more annoying and I would have to say Stephen Baldwin is the more annoying one. There is also one part where The Ramones cover of Spider-Man while they play with a football. I don't know what that has to do with anything. Also The Safety Dance plays when they are not dancing. The girlfriends are the most entertaining characters in the whole movie! I died when I saw Jack Black in this abomination. DO NOT WATCH THIS!!!


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Superhero Movie review

Posted : 6 years ago on 21 November 2011 01:46 (A review of Superhero Movie)

I just couldn't see how this was funny. First of all I don't think having Drake Bell in a spoof movie works. I also think that Leslie Nielsen couldn't save this movie. The main movie it spoofs is Spider-Man and I find that insulting. Even that joke about Tom Cruise wasn't funny, Scary Movie 4 did a better job of spoofing Tom Cruise. Probably the funniest part in the movie is where those airdancers are "doing it." I'd pretty much only recommend it if you want to see every movie Leslie Nielsen was in, even the crappy ones. Anyone else I wouldn't recommend it.


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A poor excuse for a musical!

Posted : 6 years, 5 months ago on 21 June 2011 04:50 (A review of High School Musical 2)

It was on TV, so I decided to give it a chance and it was torture. The singing was horrible and the acting was bad. The only thing I liked about the movie was the part where Troy and Chad were fighting because I didn't care about ANY of the characters. I seen one HSM and I can honestly say that was enough for me.


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